I am a single girl - a direct consequence, perhaps, of my addiction.
But I don't believe that God intends for us to live our lives in solitude with no intimate companionship. I know that I yearn to find a mate, maybe have children one day too. But I worry that with the issues I face re: my addiction, that that may never happen. Or that I may be healed and it may be too late. What I would really love is to meet someone who understands my addiction and is willing to be with me anyway, and be by my side as I work on the Steps.
I have been reading a lot of the posts in this forum, and I see that many here are married with children in spite of their LA. I would like to know about these relationships - about being with someone else in spite of. About being able to make a healthy choice even now, while I am working on my healing.
I suppose I just want to know if I am doomed to being single until I finish the Step process.
Post by Sophie's world on Jul 7, 2010 5:13:32 GMT -8
Dear Constance, The process can go quick sometimes... for me I feel it goes quicker now while being alone. Because choosing wrong partners for me has to do with being afraid to be alone, so to stick with a man I dont like that much.. and then pushing and pulling... till I am tired, cant change him. For me the choice is clear to be alone this year, the more I grow in my strength. Because the person we attrackt will perfectly reflect how we feel abot ourselves. i dont even want a relationship with a guy who doesnt Love himself like I dont Love myself (not enough yet). That would be a desaster like so many in the past. After so many different tries, what would make it this time different? Only if I change, and growing is sometimes good alone, and sometimes together. For me now, most alone and the last bit with a partner, to practise a healthy relationship. I also have the wish for a family, but More important to me is that it feels right, that it feels healthy, and i dont repeat the patterns of my parents. I will do all I need to grow. And if I would take too long and i'd be to old for a family, so be it. The most important thing to understand is that we attrackt someone similar as ourselves. If i am sick or emotionally available i will choose/ meet a partner who is unavailable. I dont want that. i want quality this time around. I can wait, qualitytime not quantitytime. Patience.. But this is my story, you know what you want for you, it is your Life your choice..your responsibility, what do you need? Love Sophie
In gratitude to you all, for holding the space and being a mirror..
I admire that you have reached a point in your sobriety where you can trust yourself and your choices enough to be in a relationship. I feel like it is important to test the dating waters a little while in recovery ... sort of put the theory to the test, instead of being emotionally anorexic.
I really, really like it when you say that it it about quality not quantity. That is exactly where I want to be. Right now I am in no state to be in a romantic relationship. Even if I wasn't LA, it is so soon after my break up that I would def. be rebounding (and those have never gone well for me in the past). I want quality too. I want the family and the picket fence and the little cottage in the garden. I want to be with a supportive man who sees my imperfections and loves me nonetheless, and allows me to do the same for him. I want a connection, a bond that is based on honesty and respect and wholeness (instead of us just trying to find ways to fill the emptiness inside).
But then I am impatient and I don't want to work the steps, I just want that happiness NOW... At least I can laugh about it today. There was a time it was depressing.
I need to work the Steps. More important, I am ready to start working the Steps. So off I go to start. All my best to you, Sophie, and everyone else who is in recovery or contemplating it. May we all find the peace we deserve.
The secret to overcoming love addiction is no secret: you must be happy within yourself with or without a man. Period. That needs to be your goal. If you find yourself still fantasizing over being with a man, you may not be ready for recovery yet. I wasn't ready for a very long time. The flip side is: you can certainly meet men and date them, but you will drag your addiction along with you and it will take a lot longer to learn the truth.
Post by Sophie's world on Jul 8, 2010 4:05:15 GMT -8
Dear Constance, Great you are going to work the steps. The more energy we choose to put in our healing the more we grow. The more energy we put in a PoA again makes us again blurry and unaware of ourselves. I guess healing first works best, the we can soon attrackt some real nice guy ( if we still want). But if we are impatient we might end up again with a bad catch and then more time is wasted... well never wasted we learn no matter what. But sometimes it is just time for alone time.. We cant comntinue do the same thing again and again and hope for a different outcome.. it wont happen.. get our head out of the sand, and face our addiction/ patterns/ believes/ needs. Grow and heal and who knows what the future brings. Good luck, Sophie
In gratitude to you all, for holding the space and being a mirror..
dear Constance and dear all I do believe that ''THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS'' every single happening in our lives has been designed to lead us to our optimum US! you are the best of what you can be in this moment Never worry about what the future holds for you maybe this pain will bring great opportunity for you to find your true self and your genuine GOD whereas your peers may not be aware of... Just to say my story; I just recently found that I have this behavior pattern, after attracting 7 unhealthy partner . the first one : Narcissist second one : SA third one : unavailable .... It was when I did not accept (I truly thank god for it) to be engaged with my partner whom I promised to get engaged to !! that I found that I am totally powerless when it comes to LOVE .. AND by passing 2 weeks I won one of the most prestigious scholarships in Canada and I am in way to go there for a PhD in Mechanical Engineering...So I found GOD provided this opportunity to be lonely for sometime to heal my soul .......to be ready what he brings to me ...... I love your saying : Quality time I do prefer to be 1DAY in a healthy marriage than to be in an unhealthy one for YEARS....... YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS AFTER THE HURRICANE COME THE RAINBOWS I heartily pray for all of us as we all are one at the end
I am an addict. My dreams become obsessions. So I have to be careful that my dreams are a "want" not a "need."
If you are sick, sometimes you have to go into the hospital and get better before you walk down the aisle. That is what early recovery is about.
When you have self-esteem, researched the dynamics of a healthy relationship and found a great partner then you can resurrect this dream. But, meanwhile, let go and let God.
I had two dreams. To be a writer and to find love. Publishing my book was my first gift from God when I had enough self-esteem to put my writings out there. But my dream for love was on the back Burner from the beginning of recovery (I was 32) until I was 56. It was worth waiting for. But wait I did with a cheerful heart.
Be patient. Look for love but don't be addicted to finding it. This is what i learned in 12-Step meetings. Thy will be done. Turn it over. Be cheerful while you search. Be selective. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
Romantic love is just desert, according to one author.
In recovery, my major change in attitude is this. I would rather be alone than addicted. I am enough for myself. God is enough for me. Friends and family are satisfying.
And yet . . . I totally respect your dream of having a family. Read A Fine Romance by Judith Sills to get started.
I am in no way full recovered, nor do i feel completely ready for a relationship. But I do find the NEED for a man in my life is fading. The more I let go of the hurt, and live in light, and love. I realize how much I was sacrificing for somebody who was invisible. Work on yourself and everything else will fall into place. I have my very hard days, but I also have my very enlightening days.
.....A Journey of a thousand miles, begins with one small step....
If you have found healthy self-esteem and romantic relationships are a want not a need, you are ready to get started. First turn this over to God and ask for his will not yourself. Then do some research.
My relationship bible is A Fine Romance by Judith Sills. I would follow it to the letter. Also, learn about the imago in the first half of the Hendrix book Getting the Love You Want.
Make a list of the things that attracted you to men in the past. Delete negative traits. For instance, my father was an alcoholic, so I was actually attracted to them. As a cild I wanted to fix him so he would love me. As an adult I did this with stand-ins. It did not work with my dad or the stand-ins so I cross this kind of man off of my list. Cross off unavailable men. Put romance and sex after compatibility on your list.
Take your time. Wait for the romance to subside to make a commitment.
Attraction is an illusiion. What is left after the honeymoon. Companionship.
I also have a list of things to look for in my book. Addiction to Love. This board has a forum just for relationships in recovery.
Oh my goodness, this is great info... I just saved this info on my pc for future reference. I too am just starting my recovery. I'm in a good place as far as how I feel and am excited about my future.
I have a question though... My husband and I are no longer emotionally/physically involved but still live with eachother in a 1 bedroom apartment due to financial reasons. I work a midnight shift and he sometimes works out of town which makes it easier. He is a recovery alchohol/sex/love/codependent addcit and I am a CDL addict. We are still very attracted to eachother but we have finally realized that we make better friends than we do as a romantic couple. (this is after breaking up 10 times in the last 6 months). I know living togther is going to make my recovery tougher/longer but do you have any suggestions as to what else I can do. I haven't gottten the guts to go to a meeting yet, I don't know why, but I'm a little scared. I've been doing tons of reading. I'm so thankful that I found your message board here though.
It's Never Too Late To BE What You Might Have Been...