I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD about 12 years ago but codependency was never brought up. I have been seeing someone for the past 7 months and he recognized the signs and told me I need help. It was hard to hear and I'm still processing. I've been reading and crying a lot. It makes sense. I was molested as a child by a family member and felt shame. My parents were divorced by the time I was 2 and my mother remarried and I spent my life trying gain approval from her and others. I have been doing a lot of reflection and I realize that it is scary, change always is.
As a child and even now, I have lied to impress people so that they would like me. Obviously that didn't work and now I'm almost 40. I have 4 kids and I am codependent on my parents, my children, and the guy I've been seeing. I spent the past 7 months living a fantasy that I created and it only hurt myself. I want to start living my life. I want to find out who I am and what makes me happy. I'm scared but I don't want to feel sad all of the time. I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, instead of all of my flaws. I have a lot of work to do and I am glad that I am not alone.
Last Edit: Jul 22, 2020 9:52:10 GMT -8 by Susannah
Welcome to the site, Brandy. When you first begin to realize the extent of this problem, it can be scary and overwhelming. So, one thing we say a lot in this program is, “One day at a time.”
Keep coming back here and reading material. There are a lot of personal stories from people who have had similar problems. The people who took recovery seriously are doing a lot better now.
Since you’re interested in codependency, you probably know of Melody Beattie. I love Melody Beattie. I love her overall message: You are not bad, and you didn’t get in trouble on purpose. It IS up to you to learn and grow and do better in the future. But you aren’t expected to get recovery overnight; this is a long process, and that’s OK.
Last Edit: Jul 22, 2020 7:45:32 GMT -8 by RoseNadler
As a child and even now, I have lied to impress people so that they would like me
Thank you for your story and for your honesty. That is a great first step. In my book, Addiction to Love, I discuss lying to impress people. I call it "image management." It applies to people who do not like themselves so they either hide things about themselves or they lie. Everyone wants to put their best foot forward, but you cross the line when you present someone you are not. Then if the person you deceive falls in love with you they will leave when they find out the truth and then you will feel abandoned again. The habit of deceiving becomes an addiction, and soon you cannot stop yourself. Eventually you lose the real you. This is sad. You are special. You are unique. You are lovable just as you are.
The solution is to learn to love yourself just as you are. Present this to the person you are dating. If you are not the person he is looking for he will move on. This is good as you do not want to be with the wrong person. That is love addiction. When you do meet the right person, who loves you as you are, it will the most wonderful experience in your life. It will be worth waiting for believe me.
We have a complete forum for building up your self-esteem.
There is lots of wisdom in your words, Susannah. Thank you. I was not sure as to why certain people lie and keep lying even when it is obvious and I am not referring to brandylee who is very courageous.
The first step is the most difficult one. Admitting you don't like the way your life is going - and how you are feeling. Yes this work is hard. Excavating how we got to where we are is possibly the hardest thing you will do. It will take a while sifting through the things that have happened to you.
Do the work - and I PROMISE you results. It's better than living in pain. And heck no, you are NOT alone and that is a wonderful feeling.