I’m on an email list called Today’s Gift, from the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.
Today’s message really hit me hard. So many of my problems in life have been the result of my unrealistic and unreasonable expectations.
How do I know if any of my ideas and things that I want for my life, ARE realistic and reasonable? This is one more area where I have a lot of trouble finding a middle ground.
What IS reasonable to anticipate will happen in my life? Is it ever OK for me to wish for anything? I have a huge struggle here.
————————————- Reflection for the Day We’re taught in the program and the Twelve Steps that the chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear—mainly fear that we would lose something we already possessed or that we would fail to get something we demanded. Living on the basis of unsatisfied demands, we obviously were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. Therefore, we are taught, no peace will be ours unless we find a means of producing these demands. Have I become entirely ready to have my Higher Power remove all my defects of character? Today I Pray May I make no unrealistic demands on life, which, because of their grandiosity, cannot be met. May I place no excessive demands on others which, when they are not fulfilled, leave me disappointed and let down. Today I Will Remember Today I will remember the setup for a letdown
Thank you for this, very helpful. I tend to settle for way too little and fail to be clear about my wishes. Then I finally get resentful and become demanding, critical and needy, and my partner withdraws. It's a recurring pattern. In "Codependent No More", Melody Beattie talks about the Karpman Drama Triangle and how we go around in circles with rescuer/persecutor/victim. I can relate to this so much and will try to attach the information. Drama Triangle.docx (146.22 KB)
They say in another fellowship that expectations are resentments waiting to happen, and I know that's true for me. I am trying to hope for everything but expect nothing. But I have to get clear about what it is reasonable to hope for.
Exactly. How do you ever know what IS reasonable to expect? I married my first husband because he was steadily employed, not a substance abuser, and nice to me.
Those ought to be the minimum requirements for me to meet a guy for coffee - not a reason to marry him.
But then there were other guys in my life who might have been good matches, whom I overlooked because they didn’t give me that addictive buzz.
My current partner of 18 years, L, did not give me the addictive buzz. But he grew on me, and I ended up falling in love with him. Given my history, I suspect that (for me) that’s a once-in-a-lifetime miracle.