I know that some programs, such as SLAA, encourage total abstinence from anything like a romantic relationship for the first year in recovery.
On the whole, I think it’s a very good idea to take some time to be single, and to learn to be on your own. Not just people with an addiction, but everybody.
However, part of my addiction pattern is not only getting hooked on unhealthy men. Another part of my problem is running away from healthy relationships. I get scared. The intimacy deepens, and I’m afraid that if I’m truly vulnerable - if he sees me at my worst - that I will be abandoned. So, I reject good guys before they can reject me.
This is a pattern with me. If something happens more than just once or twice, it’s a pattern. It has happened with me six times.
Six times is a pattern. That tells me this “running away” is part of my problem.
I’m presently in a relationship - which I entered into 18 years ago with a healthy man, while I was in a healthy state of mind. I believe from our history and his behaviour that he is a good partner for me.
This is my third attempt at recovery, and part of my last relapse involved moving out of the home I shared with my partner - putting distance between us.
So, I made the decision to try to repair this (basically good) relationship. That’s why, when I hit bottom last year, I asked L if he would be willing for me to move back in and for us to try again.
Note: When I asked him, I was in the right mindset - I felt that if he said no, I would have to accept that answer and go on in a different direction. However, he agreed to it...so here we are.
Has anybody else got a pattern of running away, or damaging good relationships, as part of their addiction?
I know that some programs, such as SLAA, encourage total abstinence from anything like a romantic relationship for the first year in recovery. On the whole, I think it’s a very good idea to take some time to be single, and to learn to be on your own. Not just people with an addiction, but everybody.
I met a young woman in AA who thought this meant she had to separate from her husband for a year. So we have to be careful here not to generalize this tradition of taking a year off. It is a good idea for some people. For married people and for parents it does not work. They would need healthy boundaries and limited contact.