I've been struggling lately with becoming obsessed over various TV and film stars, and with men who rejected me in the past. I've been following them on social media, looking at their photos, tending towards the gateway behavior that led me to stalk and harass men in the past. I'm trying to stop the progression towards stalking in any way I can.
I am wondering how much my love addiction and stalking behavior has to do with being rejected by my father. Can anyone else relate to that experience?
My father was mentally unstable, a drug addict but he adored my older sister. I'm 16 months younger than my sister and he pretty much behaved as if I didn't exist unless my mother talked him into yelling at me or beating me for doing something wrong. My younger sisters were also much beloved by my father, but for whatever reason, he didn't acknowledge me. I look almost exactly like him (female version of him) so there was no question that I was his biological child. In recent years, DNA testing has proven this beyond a doubt. People who were around when my father was alive have told me that they never remember him even having a conversation with me.
For those rejected by a parent - how has this early rejection manifested itself in your adult life and are there any ways you've been successful in healing from it?
I don’t think my parents really rejected me on purpose. My younger brother became ill, and they also found out he had a learning disability. That pretty much threw a grenade into our family. My mom was deeply anxious and depressed all the time, and my dad was angry all the time; and my brother had serious needs to be met, and my job was to keep out of the way, keep quiet, not cause trouble, and not bother people. (While I was still a child myself.)
I think this situation did contribute to my becoming love addicted. Ever since childhood, I have used attention from other people (especially men) the way a drug addict uses coke, meth, or whatever: to change my mood. To comfort myself when I’m having painful feelings.
Now, the big question for me is this: “How do I be true to myself, and feel my feelings and acknowledge them - WITHOUT doing something that’s destructive to myself or others?”
For me, that’s the $64,000 question. For me, that’s the whole point of recovery and 12 Step programs.
Last Edit: Apr 18, 2020 9:57:50 GMT -8 by RoseNadler