Maybe I used to be strong and brave and adventurous. But life has knocked that right out of me. Especially the past four years or so. In that time, I had relationship problems, moved three times, was laid off from a job, was outright fired from a job, and lost my mother to cancer. I’ve used up all the “strong and brave” that I ever had. I’m tapped out. I’m now “weak and scared.”
I try to remind myself that life is a lot better now than it was just six months ago. My bf and I are back together trying to work things out. I found another job that is a lot better for me. My relationship with my father has improved. I’m physically healthy.
I just wish the fear in my heart would go away. Although things are good now, I’m afraid they could go bad again. And sometimes, it isn’t really fear - it’s leftover pain and grief from all the losses of the past few years. So many things went wrong. It really took a toll on me. I’m trying to recover from these bad things. I’m trying to see a good future for myself. But sometimes that leftover pain comes back.
And then, I’m as un-strong and un-brave as it’s possible to get. I cry and meltdown, and try to hide that from other people IRL - and I come here and go to other mental health/recovery websites.
Some days, the fact that I have suicidal thoughts but refuse to act on them, is about the best I can do.
And I’m not always like this. A lot of the time, I’m doing pretty well, get through the day without crying, etc. I haven’t had a panic attack in a couple of months now. If I was *always* upset, I’d go to the hospital (or at least call my psychiatrist.) But I have enough good days that I don’t feel like this is warranted.