I think I just had a big insight, but I’m having trouble putting it into words. Here goes:
I always wanted to feel strongly, safely loved by a man first, and THEN do things like school, career, etc. I wanted to get the solid relationship locked down first, as some kind of a base to proceed from.
If I had felt like my parents and my home were that solid home base, maybe I wouldn’t have put so much importance on the relationship with a man.
It’s this way: before I feel safe to go out adventuring, I need to be sure there’s a home base to go back to, with people who love me and will catch me if I fall.
For whatever reasons, I didn’t feel like I could get that from my parents as a child. So always, my first priority was to make sure a man loved me, and would be that safe base for me.
How do I fix this? Right now I’m feeling hurt and scared and very needy.