I have hurt and betrayed my family. I have hurt and betrayed women. What should I do from now on? Through the recovery treatment with a mental doctor and a councelor wno belongs to the doctor’s clinic, I realise that caring for myself should be done first. Expecting happiness from others doesn’t always work. I should do something first by myself. Find something to do that makes me happy. Hobby, walking, reading. Anything as long as it’s healthy. For a certain while, I could feel comfortable and relax because of thinking and acting like this. Okay so far. However, one day, I started to feel guilty. I am lost. The doctor says don’t feel sorry or guilty. I try to accept his suggestion. I think the doctor tries not to make me depressed. The reality is that I can’t relax because the idea accusing myself of what I have done and what I leave undone. I sometimes get an idea that if I am not in this world, I feel relieved.
Last Edit: Aug 31, 2020 17:01:35 GMT -8 by Susan P.
All he told me were don’t feel sorry. Lostkate, thank you for asking. I hope you are not judgemental. To be honest with you, I have started to talk with my girlfriend who is supposed to be my PoA because of my sad feeling. I confessed it to my doctor the other day. His response was he didn’t care about the “surface.” Talking to my PoA is surface of my symptom according to him. He is concerned about “ deep ground “, not the surface. If it’s a volcano, he cares about “magma”, not “smoke or eruption.” Again, he told me not to feel sorry. That’s all. His comments are sometimes abstract and I can’t always catch him. But I accept his suggestions for now.
What kind of woman is meant for me? Intelligent? Straight forward? Wild? Submissive? Thoughtful? Sensitive? I don’t know at all now. So far, I have had relationship with women who just wanted me. I wanted sex but in terms of personality, value of life, interest, wit sense and so on, I may not have cared much. Once again, I didn’t think of friendship with a woman. I think it should have come first. However, I always wondered if a woman was interested in me. I may have bias on women. If a woman is very smart, I feel she will compete with me. I avoid her. However, if a man is very smart, I will talk with the guy and try to find something interesting in him. Women are special to me.
In my opinion, the best way to find a love relationship is to get to know the other person well. Your love partner should also be one of your best friends. It can take a long time to get to know someone well, become friends with that person, and then for love to develop. The process cannot be hurried.
In fact, my brother was schizo. It affected my family a lot. My parents were worried about his weird symptom but no one knew or believed it was illness. We had to hide his strange action from neighbours since it was 40 years or more ago. We believed he was just a geek and a lazy man. Actually, I wanted my parents to pay attention to me too while they were involved with my brother’s weird symptom. I was badly sad. I was just 10 or more. I wanted my mother to spoil me. Now I have gone to see a mental doctor because of my love addiction. I was not able to share my brother’s issues with women who I was interested in. I was not able to share with the women that I went to a counselling room to confess what happened in my family. Still now, I can’t share with the above problems with any woman. In a meaning, I give up a woman understanding me. I am scared of a woman leaving me because of my family and my own history. A woman is someone who comforts me with sex. They say that it happens a client fall for love with an opposite sex counsellor. I was like that but I knew seeing a client in person out of a counselling room is against their proffesional code. No woman can comfort inner me. All she can do is comforting me with sex. I think I am very twisted and complicated. I don’t expect a woman who can understand me. Women will feel awkward or weird if they know real me. I have been chasing a woman for sex but in my mind I believe I can find a woman who is meant for me in a true meaning. I think it’s very hard for a woman to handle me. When thinking like this, I feel desperate. I feel suicidal too.
I came alone to my hometown to see my mom. She is 89 now. She needs help and someone to talk to. No one knows where my brother is. So I have to see her. My hometown is a small quite town with much snow in winter. Aside from seeing her, I take a long walk along the river or mountains. Some people have camp there. I may see my old friend today. When I am alone, I think of why I got married, what I want now, why I left my family ( I live alone now ) while I was sad before having family. I felt sad even after having my family. My wife tefused me having sex soon after having kids. We slept in different rooms for decades. I want to start a new life with a new partner. But I don’t know if it’s time or if I can find the best partner for real.
Your hometown sounds beautiful. Even the snow in winter, the river and the mountains. Is it a place many people visit?
How is your mother doing? Is she healthy?
Have you decided to see your old pal?
I questions. In Japanese culture, is a family member's mental issues a taboo subject? Is mental illness something that people are afraid to speak about? If somebody has a mentally ill family member, is the family shunned?
I ask because, once again from my American-centric world view, that is what I am picking up from your posts. Please let me know if that is incorrect.
Your marriage sounded like one in name only. Just for the kids (your genetics) Once the kids became adults, you and she divorced I take it.
That was a long time, time which you didn't learn to find out about yourself. Again, just as I am reading what you have written.
I think that people’s understanding now about mental illness is much better than it used to 40 years ago. We were scared of the rumor in a small town. Once people knew that a member of a family went to a mental clinic, the rumor would spread around the town in a day. For my dad, in his office. For my mom, between neighbours. For me, in my school. People would say something behind us. In fact, it didn’t happen because we didn’t know my brother had “illness.” And we tried to hide what was happening to him in our house. Even growin up, I still hid things about my brother. I was scared of descimination for me in my work place. I used to go to a counselling room when I was in Tokyo to work. I was in 20s. The big city like Tokyo has those clinics for me to carry off my mental burden. It was good. I never wanted to go to my hometown where people didn’t understand what metal illness was. They just thought it was “insanity.” I got married with a woman who my senior co worker introduced to me only 1 year after I met her first. It was when I was 29. I thought I “had” to be married before 30 and show my kids to my parents because my brother seemigly was not able to do so. I think I got married to get “approval” from my parents unconsiously. When we had my wedding ceremony, my brother didn’t attend it. I didn’t know where he was. I was so sad. When I was 35, my brother was found to be “schizo” in a mental hospital. In a meaning, my parents and I felt relieved to hear that. We thought “oh, he has been sick not just lazy, weak or unsocializing.” And we, first time, felt sorry for him. He got medication there and got better day by day. But he had to go to see the doctor once in a while. Well... sorry for my long post. Can I find a woman who understand me?
That really stinks how the town and the greater society ostracized your family. From you dad to your mom to yourself. I wonder if ANY of those standing in judgement ever thought that one of their family members could suffer from mental illness. Of course they didn't.
I believe you when you write that you feared job discrimination because of your brother's illness. Thank goodness you got out of your small town and found a clinic/safe place in Tokyo. There's lots of good things to say about living in a big city. One of them isn't the cost tho (ha ha ha).
So you were hooked up with your wife by a senior work colleague. Hmm. I wonder if he was like, "This dude needs to get married - so does this lady. What good are single people! The society will fall apart if people don't get married!" Basically, you were being forced to follow the LIFE SCRIPT - get married, have children - never mind that may not have been what was best for you or your wife.
That seems like a fast turn around - from meeting to marriage. One year. I would agree with you that you married for approval from your parents. Who else was going to give them grandchildren? That's tons and tons of social pressure being applied on EVERYBODY.
That's good attitudes have changed since your brother was diagnosed. Are mental health issues now discussed in public or in public media?
No need to apologize for your long post. It helped me to figure out some of your background. I had a feeling that being forced to follow the LIFE SCRIPT had been imposed upon you.
Can you find a woman who understands you? I don't know. First thing to ask yourself is, "Do I understand myself."
I think I used to understand my sadness, lonliness and crazyness but I didn’t know what to do because I was scared of people esprcially women. I was not able to ask women out. That’s why I married a woman who my senior coworker introduced to me. When I was young, women had multiple aspects that I had to keep distance from. I didn’t get close to women. Sublimity like Virgin Mary. toxic like a prostitute. Scary like Medusa. I was never able to be a friend of them. I felt competitive with an educated woman. I looked down upon a uneducated woman. I doubted a pretty woman because I believed the woman would have many suitors. I felt annoyed by a ugly woman. I had definitly negative perspective on women. However, I married a woman who I felt safe with but didn’t feel romantic with. I believed that I had to be married before 30 and marriage was a way for me to be estimated as a infependent grownup. I was scared to live a life like my brother who had insanity in personality and was never able to scialize. After married, having a baby was my obligation that was expected by society. When I wanted my second baby, I studied how to have a baby boy ( my first baby was a baby girl ). I kept track with my wife’s body temperarure every morning to know her “ovulation” timing. Soon after I woke up, I put a thermometer into her mouth though she was sleeping. The morning that was supposed to be a few days before ovulation, I took off her panty and ejaculated in her while she was sleeping. That was what I studied to how to have a baby boy in a book. I gave up love making or masturbation several days before “D day” to have a baby boy for sure. Except having a baby, I didn’t have sex with my wife. She didn’t like sex much from the very start. I was serious enough not to have sex with her before marriage. I didn’t know how to make love much. Masturbation was much better than having sex that time. The first time I found having sex with a woman amazing was a girl who I met on internet. The girl knew how to enjoy sex and I learned a lot from her. I enjoyed online sex with her many times after my wife fell asleep. Afterward, I met her in person and had an affair in a overseas country. She was in Philippinrs and looked for her man from overseas who could make her life safe and happy out of her tough life. I had been into the girl. She is my first “girlfriend.” Well...after breakup with the girl from Phillipines, I have had a couple of “girlfriends” out of wedlock. All the girls were from Philippines. I was addicted to them. Do I know what I want? Can I have romantic feeling with a woman? Do I know the difference between romantic feeling and sex desire? Do I respect a woman? Do I believe a woman can make me happy? Let me say that it was true that my first love was exciting and romantic but it was so called “puppy love.” I was a low teen ager. I never thought of having sex with my first love. She was smart and pretty. She was Maddona for me. I really loved her. I still see a dream of her. It might be my first and last romantic feeling for now. That’s crazy. I think my view of women is twisted. I should have healthy image on women first such as not just for sex.
My concern about women has been how to please them. How to make them feel happy. I think it’s weird. Women don’t always want to be pleased or feel happy by me because they are already happy and contended. If I have a chance to please a woman, I can expect her to make me happy in return. That was my conspiracy. In the end, my target would be unhappy, poor, hurt women. To make them happy, it takes a lot of time and money. As a result, I was overwhelmed with the effort. It’s too late for me to be comforted. I can never be happy. To understand a woman, I think I should know some of healthy women in mind and body. I think there are lots to learn from them. Even without return, they would enjoy time with me. I think so. I have male friends. They are healthy in mind and body. I don’t know why I have looked for unhealthy women. That might be key to solve my problem.
What can you do for YOURSELF to change how you've been feeling and ACTING with women? I'm not a counselor, nor am I in any way a psychologist, but I sense from your posts there's a fear of women. I don't have the answers for you. Those answers lie within yourself.
You've been articulate about your fears and wants - how can you work on them. IMO you're not ready to tackle a relationship with the GF or anybody until you establish a relationship with yourself. I write that in all sincerity and in friendship.
I have 4 women to date in my imagination. I don’t think I will ask them out for real but I want. All of them are attractive. 1. A woman who I see everyday on the way to work. She looks like my first love. Having fine skin. She has something to move my feeling. 2. Dentist receptionist. I have gone to the dentist and I saw her everytime. She is short and pretty. Her age is around late 30s. She doesn’t wear a marriage ring. I like her looking and modest feeling. 3. Massage girl working for the gym I go to weekends. She is so nice to me. Her smile makes me happy. She says she likes to drink. I introduced her a good seafood pub near her station. We said let’s go together someday. I don’t know if she means it though. During massage, I can have time to talk to her. 4. The councellor at my mental clinic. I know it’s against ethics code for a councellor and a client to meet in private time. She looks thoughtful and smart. Her smile makes me happy. I want to know her private life but I know I can’t ask.
I am interested in lookings of women. It’s usual and cheezy. No discovery of my deep mind. On the other hand, if I find a discovery, there is no common things to do with them. No conversation, no dinner. Without any private meeting, I think about who I am attracted to. What do I want to do with them? Just sex? That’s all? I can’t imagine anything to do with a woman. I am still shy with it. If it’s a male, it’s okay to say let’s drink sometime. I can’t find how to start. Weird but it’s me.
This is a "fantasy addict" which is a form of love addict. You are getting high off the chemicals released when you have romantic and sexual fantasies about women. So you are a love addict after all. Sex addiction is about avoidance. Love addiction is about attachment. You do both so you are an "ambivalent."
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it elsewhere." Buddha
What is past is past. You cannot relive it. You cannot change it. You have to LIVE for the moment and say HOW can I change my behavior and thoughts NOW so I can move forward.Staying stuck in the past is how we come to the sad place where many of us have been - or are currently.
Serenity Prayer: "Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change . . ." The past. Our emotions. Our current situation. etc. "And the courage to change what I can . . ." Our behavior. Our outlook. Our future. Our decisions, our attitude, our gratitude, etc. . . .
Last Edit: Sept 5, 2019 14:41:05 GMT -8 by Namaste
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it elsewhere." Buddha
I have ED. So while having sex, it sometimes happened that I could not satisfy my girlfriend. She sometimes accused me. I was scared of having sex. However, I could not stop because I was aftaid she might leave me.