Thirty percent of love addicts and codependents are men. If you are man I hope this site will help you.
My new mission is to help men overcome the stigma of being a male codependent/love addict and open up to themselves and their partners. This is good for the soul. Studies show that (1) men only talk to men about sports and politics, and (2) it was their mother, not their father, who told them not to cry because it was unmanly.
I do not pretend to know what it means to be a man and have codependency. However, fifty percent of my clients are men, and I have a special fondness for them. I even encouraged Five Sisters Ranch to open up to them.
My interest in male codependency began in 1983 when I started a "Women Who Love Too Much" group. On one of the flyers a man wrote, "Where do the men go." So I changed my focus to love addiction because the word codependency was associated with women. The rest is history . . .
Women are allowed to post on this forum if you want to be supportive. If you have "issues" with men this is "read only."
When it comes to codependency and love addiction there is no way to generalize according to gender. We are all just misguided and need help.
Thanks for offering this opportunity for men to share their experiences. This would have been so important to me when I was dealing with my own issues that prompted my writing, Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions. I hope all men who are dealing with relationship and love issues will find this helpful site and share their stories.
Jed is the foremost authority on male codependency and love addition. He was the first person to encourage me when I was writing my book. Here is his website . . . menalive.com/about-men-alive/
Last Edit: Jan 8, 2020 14:01:44 GMT -8 by Susannah
It is an honor to have you on this site. You called me when I was a struggling, unpublished author trying to sell Xerox copies of my book Addiction to Love. You just happened to come across one of six copies and gave me a call.
I will never forget your kindness, and it encouraged me to keep on going. Now I try to pass it on to members of this board and new struggling authors.
We are both pioneers now as hundreds of people flock to treat love addicts as if they discovered this disorder yesterday. LOL But love addiction has always been with us and always will. The only thing that changes is the label we use to describe it. We have gone from co-alcoholic, to co-dependent, to love addict, to eight different kinds of love addicts, to my new term, "The Ambivalent." We are all the same. We are just looking for love and need a little help finding it. As they say in AA, "We need each other. We can't do this alone." This is why all the temperance organizations (based on religion) failed and all the therapist threw up their hands as they struggle to treat addiction.
Last Edit: Jul 5, 2017 18:45:02 GMT -8 by Susannah
I love this post. What does ambivalent mean again? I would ask Mr. Google but i prefer to ask my comrades directly.
I'm glad that we have this thread because men suffer as well. We are slowly shedding that image and personification of strong silent type that tony soprano was so fond of (ie gary cooper?). I have not attended a meeting yet but am keeping close to fellowship. Still attending meetings at adult children and survivors of incest anonymous. I want to link these programs together so i can get most out of this organization and its wisdom.
Last Edit: Jan 8, 2020 14:04:12 GMT -8 by Susannah
I'm not a GOOGLE person (though I admit to going bonko on Google many times too many). The definition of "ambivalent" (adjective): Having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone. Now, I confess, I DID use Google for the definition.
Poor Tony Soprano! I think the "strong silent type" is a trope from books and films, ESPECIALLY Western films. Gary Cooper, the character in "The Virginian", some super heroes. The idea that men CANNOT show feelings, else they will be judged as weak or "feminine".
Good for you for reaching out and attending meetings for being an incest survivor. That had to be a difficult thing for you to do.
I coined the term "ambivalent love addict" in 2004 when I wrote the literature for LAA. No one was using it back then. People understood the concept of the love addict and avoidance addict (Pia Mellody) but the concept of ambivalence was new. Since then many people have tried to take credit for it, but it is our literature and copyright protected.
My workbook discusses ambivalence. When you vacillate between love addiction and avoidance you are ambivalent. You crave love when you are safe because the one you love is unavailable, but you are also afraid of love. The list of different kinds of ambivalents include the saboteur, the seductive withholder, the romance addict and torchbearers.
What I now call the "ambivalent" is the most common kind of addict. Many normal people are also ambivalent.
The avoidance stems from too much love by a parent, and the love addict comes from not getting enough love.
I had too much love (emotional/covert incest) from my father and not enough love and attention from my mother. They were both untreated for their addictions.
Last Edit: May 19, 2020 15:41:48 GMT -8 by Susannah
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it elsewhere." Buddha
I am a full-blown love addict and not ashamed to share that with the men I know in SLAA, ACA, and Al-Anon. I just wish there were LAA meetings here in Philadelphia because I am really suffering. I am over 32 years clean from drugs and alcohol, but sex and love addiction is a completely different beast.