Susan i think i am a seductive withholder but i don't know if I have a fear of intimacy or if i just like to pursue the love high and when it gets to the commitment part i don't want it because i am not in love with them.... this is one element of my love addiction. I also stay in long term relationships because i fear leaving them out of fear of loss and hurting them. What am i? I am in SLAA recovery and working the HOW program now. Want to get to the bottom of a lifelong pattern of pain.
I have experienced this too. The excitement from being pursued is a lot of fun for me. Lately more than one guy wants to settle down. My girlfriends were telling me how this one guy is really ready if I am. I was telling them how I don't want to give up this single experience just yet because I am having the time of my life!!
Since being in a relationship is not s life and death issue and not a need, I don't think this is such a big deal for me. If I meet a guy who is compatible and mutually interested and a relationship with him seems better than giving up the single experience, then I'll change my mind about it. Right now, meeting new people without the hassles of taking a partner into consideration is where I need to be.
Ironically, since I've come to this conclusion I've got guys asking me out left and right. I go about it honestly and make it no secret that I'm unattached and will remain that way for the foreseeable future.
i don't know if I have a fear of intimacy or if i just like to pursue the love high and when it gets to the committment part i don't want it because i am not in love with them...
I would not get too hung up on the label portion of this dilemma. You sound like a classic love addict. A seductive withholder tends to be very narcissistic. Seducing people for personal gain, manipulating them (through giving and withholding affection, sex and love) and pretty much not caring about them, per se, but simply delighting in the "game." Does this sound like you?
The important thing here is that you use people and relationships most likely to get that love high and maybe even to avoid growing up. When these are your goals (getting high and avoiding growing up), you will have a lot of trouble finding someone to commit to or someone you genuinely love and respect. You're not looking for a committed relationship. You're looking to play, to avoid pain, to get "high" and to avoid facing yourself and your responsibilities. That's pure love addiction.
In order to get to the bottom of this lifelong pattern, you need to start really looking into who you are, what you want, what you need, what your VALUES are and why you use intimacy/relationships as your drug of choice. You also need to get brutally honest with yourself and admit that love addiction is not about love at all. It is about you avoiding yourself.
Yeah i am not a narcissist i think i am too empathetic for that. I am definitely a love addict and an ambivalent one. Yes its true that to truly heal myself i have to be completely honest with who i am. The SLAA HOW program is helping me with that. Thanks so much for chatting with me. This forum is a God-send.
Hi I was dating a seductive witholder.she started off unbelievably hot then all of a sudden went cold after intimacy was expressed. I was trying to deal with the sudden death of my mum when she went cold and wanted to take a break after 5 dates. She needed space too. She is definitely an ambivalent love addict. However as I was dealing with so much this stressed me when it shouldn't have and I didn't give her the space she wanted. She eventually cut contact with me feeling bad about too. Will she come back? If so, how long will it take usually for them to come back after losing interest?
FOR YOUR SAKE, I hope not at all. I have seen grown men lose their minds over seductive withholders. I have seen grown women neglect their children for seductive withholders. I had a male client lose his sobriety, his wife, his home, his car and then get shot by his drug dealer whereby he tried to kill themselves. SW's are dangerous and do not care about you. They like to seduce and they like to withhold. Stay away and stay here on this board.
Susan i think i am a seductive witholder but i don't know if I have a fear of intimacy or if i just like to pursue the love high and when it gets to the committment part i don't want it because i am not in love with them.... this is one element of my love addiction. I also stay in long term relationships because i fear leaving them out of fear of loss and hurting them. What am i? I am in SLAA recovery and working the HOW program now. Want to get to the bottom of a lifelong pattern of pain.
Maybe both. Unless you are a narcissist you are doing this to avoid intimacy and because you get the attention you did not get as a child. Stay with us and CHANGE how you think and how you behave. God and nature will do the rest.
Hi Susan. I tried to respond to your message but I think I did it wrong? I'm not sure. Anyways. I agree with you there. Its best to let her go. She is a fear based though and is scared of getting hurt and tends to avoid relationships and falling in love for that reason. She mentioned this when we first started talking. The ending was not on good terms at all. And I know shes at fault but im also 50% to blame. I was dealing with other things and acted desperate and needy towards her because that's how I was feeling. After doing alot of self work and dealing with my grief ive decided I want to try hanging out with her again and give her a 2nd and final chance. Do you think she will / may come back? How long does it usually take for them to come back? Its been 5 weeks since last seeing / speaking to her. I'm not 100% sure I want to go back there, but its something that has been on my mind recently. I think she is a genuine person and she does care about people. Shes definitely fear based. Thank you very much!
I have dreaming about falling in love and living happily ever after since I was eleven years old. Instead I ended up with men who loved me one moment and abandoned me in the next. it took years and a lot of work on my self-esteem to realize that I deserved better. That I could be with a man who was available all the time. This is what I have learned about what I came to call Seductive Withholders.
Seductive Withholders (SW’s) are people who can act very seductive (implying they are available) one moment and then very withholding the next. The shift is dramatic and comes at unexpected times. Some SW’s are just plain narcissists and the seduction is just part of the chase. Others are what I call Ambivalent Love Addicts (ALA’s), men and women who crave love and chase after it only to become frightened and beg off. Everyone has his or her own style of seduction, but whatever it is it is quite persuasive. The withholding can be anything from withholding affection to withholding sex. Not returning phone calls, seeing other people—in general being unavailable.
There are various explanations for why people withhold. With some it is a matter of control. This is ego-driven. They like power over people and they do this by keeping them on the edge of their seats all the time. More common is the person who withholds because they are frightened of intimacy. When they are feeling needy and safe they get seductive. When they get too close and feel claustrophobic they withhold. A good book about this is by Carter and Sokul entitled "Men Who Can't Love." (The title is misleading. SW's can love they just can't get emotionally intimate.) SW's are also people (as we discussed) who are on the rebound. They really can't make up their mind. These people are not SW’s with everyone they meet—like the other type of SW mentioned above. When dating, try to look for the signs that a person vacillates too much. A little shift in availability is normal. Drastic, unexpected shifts are suspicious.
It is never a good idea to get into relationship with a seductive withholder who is not trying to change (even then it is a gamble). They are not, for the most part, relationship material. You cannot patiently wait for them to come around. However the SW who is not a narcissist can face his or her ambivalence and get into recovery. This means finding someone with is both exciting and compatible and staying the course. The SW cannot do this alone. They need therapy and support groups to get them through the anxiety they feel when they stay in a relationship past the initial honeymoon phase. My advice is to leave seductive withholders alone.
Last Edit: Sept 8, 2017 18:37:53 GMT -8 by Susannah
Post by RoseNadler on Apr 22, 2019 20:47:38 GMT -8
I hate to see some of the SW behavior in my own past, but...I think I do. When I was younger, there was more than one situation where I started off with a guy, and things were exciting and romantic. Then the guy wanted a serious relationship, and I didn’t - but I still wanted all the attention he was lavishing on me. I see now that I would be giving the guy just enough crumbs to keep him hoping - but then the minute things looked more serious, I would “withhold” - sexually and emotionally. [Mentally going over a list right now of guys...BD, KS, GS, GH, JL, DJ.]
I pray to God I never do this again. I know now that I hurt some people badly. I can’t justify some of my behavior.